"Eu quero matar a saudade que quer me matar" means, more or less literally: I want to kill this feeling of loss that wants to kill me. To first understand that phrase, one must understand the word saudade . That is a Portuguese word that has no direct translation in most languages. Spanish and English have something close to what it means but not exactly. Saudades means to miss something or someone; it's a sense of loss; it's a broken heart. Many things it means and more. One can die from saudades .

"A saudade que quer me matar" is an apt way of saying that this feeling can cause one to give up wanting to live and can easily die of it. The expression 'dieing of a broken heart' comes close to what the Portuguese words means. I had never understood why people could die of a broken heart until I left home to live out a school year in Pennsylvania. Away from my family, friends, and country, I was a 'stranger in a strange land'. The climate was cold and there was snow instead of heat and sun. The people were cold and indifferent instead of warm and friendly. The neighborhoods were quiet and seemingly without life instead of bubbling with noise and teeming with people. Pennsylvania was not at all like home.

Home was Brazil. Home was where the people were friendly, where the climae alternated between rain and heat, where the plants were always a luxuriant green. Home was where my best friend and I talked every single day, where I met my parents for lunch and conversation, where everything was as comfortable and familiar as old clothes. Oh, how I wanted to go home! But I stayed. And I found out all the shades of the emotion saudade. Every time my parents would call, I wanted to cry because it was so hard not being with them. My mother would beg me to write responses to her e-mails, but it brought me pain to see her words and not hear them myself. Every thought and memory of my family tore me up inside. Day by day, I had a little less of myself.

To cope, I tried to forget and look forward to the next day. It did not work. Dreams reminded me of the pain of separation every single night. I cried only once in the ten months away from my family. The rest of the tears I bottled up inside and hid them in the deepest comer of my soul. I told myself I did not care and that I must distance myself from everything to survive. I could convince myself of this 'truth' until my parents called. Then I unraveled. The things that caused me joy also brought me pain. I tried to minimize the memories and conversations on the phone so that I would not feel the ache in my heart. That only brought a bit of relief and twice the pain. The hole in my soul only widened. I felt my sanity slipping.

The Brazilian people say "malar a saudade" when meeting with someone that they haven't seen in quite some time. When I arrived in Brazil, after a year in. Pennsylvania, the first thing I did was to malar a saudade of family, friends, places, food, everything that had been part of my life before my 'exile'. The first night back, most of my friends dropped by to see me and we talked for hours. They told me about the fact that they had all gotten their driver's license, where and what they were studying, and the newest rumors about our acquaintances. It felt so good to be with them and hear what they had been up to. But with that happiness came a pang that I had missed part of the fun and part of their lives.

For three months, my friends and I did everything that we had normally done. Walks at night, conversations on the park benches, shopping trips, the movies, the nightclubs, and afternoons spent talking about anything and everything were only some of the things we did. A friend and I even started one of our old arguments over nothing just to relive the experience again. We ended up laughing. It was wonderful. All these things that we did again, all the places that we went to again, all the foods that I ate again, and all the people that I saw again soothed the hurt in my soul. It was a time of joy for me. Especially when my best friend and I got together. Every day we could get together, we would go to the others house and talk until we were hoarse.

When it was time for me to leave to the US again, we hugged each other innumerable times. The same thing happened with my parents at the airport. It was hard, but I knew that at the end of this new year I would see them again. I knew that I would feel saudades again but this time I was able to really cope. Work, new friends, fun, and the thought that I will see them again is what keeps me going now. So it is bearable.

At the end of this experience that I went through, I finally learned the true meaning of the phrase "Eu quero matar a saudade que quer me matar. " To me, it gives a sense of hope at the same time that it gives despair. I keep in mind the fact that I can go home again when this year is done. That was what got me through my period of 'exile' and what will get me through this year. The fact that my parents and friends are waiting for me when I am done here is what comforts me during the days and nights away from Brazil. Someday soon I'll get a chance to "matar a saudade que quer me matar."