KEY WORKPLACE ACTIONS TO USE DAILY AND IN MEETINGS
My goal with this assignment is that women readers will evaluate, acquire, and practice some of the direct and indirect communications skills required to communicate effectively with men. Gendered communications are real and dynamic not only in personal relationships, but most decidedly in the workplace.
It is easy to acknowledge that all men and all women are not
the same. It is just as easy to state
men and women do not communicate on the same level with the same words. In fact Dr. John Gray, author of MEN Are from MARS, WOMEN Are from VENUS,
delivered his first book on gendered communication as far back as 1992. Sixteen books later, most written to affect male
and female personal and/or sexual relationships, one can find that many of John
Gray’s insights are adaptable by today’s working women and can effectively be
applied in the workplace and the boardrooms of
Gendered communication principles as well as practical suggestions and John Gray’s verbatim recommended phrases will be delivered here. A minimal amount of time will be spent on why men and women communicate and persuade in difference fashions. Focus will be on gender communication differences and how to directly enable working women to communicate in a less “girly” natural style and in a more effective business mode.
Perhaps in gearing up for the workplace women an access a thought of the day to bolster workplace practices. Here’s one; "Masculine awareness tends to be sequential; they build a complete picture from each part. Feminine awareness is expansive, they tend to take in the whole picture and discover the parts within.” Dr. John Gray
Through research we find that men and women assume that since they use the same words and behaviors they mean the same things. This is not accurate. Here are a just few examples of the impact of gender miscommunication relative to your company’s culture and bottom line.
Men nod their heads ONLY when they agree with you AND women nod their heads to simply acknowledge listening to another person.
Men go into the “cave” under stress. They become too focused; more agitated, and tend to blame others AND under stress women need to talk. They become overwhelmed, require reassurance and often doubt themselves.
Men find clarity, confidence and focus on solutions impressive to men, AND often these same executions are frustrating to women. Listening and acknowledging are impressive to women, AND very wearisome to men.
Men respond to encouragement AND women respond to reassurance.
Men value logic over feelings AND women value feelings more.
In a staff meeting or a board meeting there are four practices that women need to master on the same par a men in order to be best heard, understood, and acknowledge in their work. According to Dr. John Gray these skills include:
1) THE ART OF INTERRUPTING
The first specific skill that women need to learn is the art of interrupting. This is hard for many women as they are often interested in sharing and listening. Trained to believe interrupting is rude and offensive behavior women need to overcome the longtime custom to listen and to listen with the belief that after someone is done talking it will be your turn! Women need to understand that male leader etiquette requires that you state your opinion vigorously. Men bosses never expect to draw other men peers out with questions. To think that someone needs to have his opinion solicited would be an insult to that person.
There are several different situations for which women should be prepared. One would be your initial foray into the conversation. The bottom line is that the woman must just dive in without any fear or hesitations…just added your well thought out opinion…boldly.
2) THE ART OF REPEATING FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE
So, now you have made your first move. The problem is that either no one paid much attention to you or your point was quickly discounted. Let’s deal with the latter first. If your point was discounted, congratulations you are in the game! This is preferable to being ignored. Remember, this "discussion" is a contest of ideas. It is not a comment on everyone's feelings about you. Men are very comfortable not liking or valuing a person's idea while liking or valuing the person.
So what do you do if you are ignored (or even discounted). First, consider what you should not do. You should not become angry or defensive. You should not complain that you are not being listened to. You should not say that you are not being understood. All of these moves will generate a lot of negativity. Even if the men then listen, they will feel criticized and resentful. You will be inadvertently increasing the negatively charged awareness of your gender differences.
Instead, you need to feel comfortable repeating yourself. Dr Gray suggests that the best strategy is to say, “Here is another angle on the problem....” followed by a restatement of your point. Another excellent variation is saying, “Lets look at it another way.”... or …“here is another important point. (that has not been considered....).
Once you have engaged in the dialogue and your point was not accepted, even after attempting delivery of your point from a different point of view, then it is time for the next skill.
3.) Addressing “my” and “analysis”and “describe”
Let’s start with the word “my”. Focusing on “I” or “me” is not a value women
are comfortable using at home as well as in the workplace. On the job, teams are big. In the last few
years corporate
Men tend to do individual tasks in teams. It is the exceptional team where people truly think in terms of “we” rather than “I”. Most men’s sense of self esteem comes from doing. They think, "I am valuable based on what I do." That is how they tend to think about others in the work world.
The next word is analysis. And yes, men love to analyze. They respect facts and figures. This pre-supposes that you have done the analysis. Depending on the situation it maybe a full blown computer model or it may be enough to take what you know and spend some time to organize it so that you can argue that facts 1, 2, and 3 lead to "A" that leads to the potential negative outcome "B" and you have solution "C" with 3 reasons why it will lead to positive outcome "D".
It is almost always more effective to have a positive solution, if you are going to bring up a problem. One CEO stated that he never wanted anyone to come to him with a problem unless they either had several possible solutions or unless the person could explain how they worked on the problem and failed to come up with a solution.
The last word is "describe". The description of an analytical sequence described in the previous paragraph is music to a working man’s ears. Even if he disagrees, he cannot help but be impressed with the description. This goes all the way back to childhood, when boys are into sports statistics and get into great interactions about which team will win and which athlete is better.
There are additional fine points to how to describe a women’s analysis particularly when a man has made a point with which you disagree. A conscientious woman may be concerned about getting into a personal conflict if she says that Sam's idea is incorrect. She may even be afraid that Sam will be particularly offended if a woman bests him. She may even be correct about this concern. While this may not be fair, it is the way it is.
So the only issue is how to best handle the situation. Here is a good strategy. Mary should say something like, "The issue that Sam is raising is important. I have done a detailed analysis of the factors involved. The analysis reveals……however…we could consider…
The art of the Assured Attitude
In real estate the three most important assets are location, location, location. In the final analysis the three most important assets to transform a woman's relationship in the workplace are attitude, attitude, attitude. Make note, an assured attitude is not the same as an assertive attitude.
Assertiveness is a male trait. Assertiveness communicates that I will successfully act or do. Assuredness communicates the trust that someone else will successfully act. In a recent conversation with a very successful woman, she epitomized this assured attitude in the following statement. She said, “It never occurred to me that a man would not listen to me."
Assuredness is the secret of successful working women power. Now before you pass judgment on these comments continue reading. According to Dr. Gray, IF you are already having a negative reaction to that statement THEN it is a sign that this is a very important lesson for you.
The application of the assured attitude in being heard in the boardroom or meeting room is the trust that sooner or later the men in the room will hear you, even be happy to hear you. To help clarify this expectation, consider the opposite attitude, the resentful expectation that men are chauvinists who will never want to listen to or respect a woman's ideas.
It is the assured attitude BASED ON KNOWLEDGE that a woman feels inwardly that lets her assertively state her opinion externally. It is the trust that the men are just doing their “male” thing rather than being rejecting that helps a woman continue to repeat her point.
It is the lack of hostility coupled with the trust that men will accept her ideas once the ideas have passed muster in the crucible of intellectual contest that subtly works on the psyche of the goal oriented men. These successful men see a woman who is confident about her ideas continuing to engage in the process without hostility or defensiveness. This is truly an impressive feat to a successful man.